Ice Station Blogger

The average AIM conversation is something of a shorthand version of an actual conversation, something a court stenographer would type up were she hearing two people speak on the street. As such, I often save some that I've had for future reference here (or for blackmail, whatever the situation warrants). p. and I had this following conversation two days ago, which I have edited together in such a way to form a cohesive conversation. It was funny to us then, and this morning, as I roll out of bed at 5:30, I still think it warrants a post.

(This is me, This is Pops)

"Did you hear they opened an Amish-friendly Wal-Mart in Ohio?"
" 'Amish-friendly'? What does that mean?"
"Amish-friendly...they have about a dozen hitching post, they sell ice by the block, TONS of fabric squares..."
"Are you kidding? How much is a block of ice?"
(laughing) "I have no idea. Personally, I don't see why they can't just buy a bag."
"It's for the ice chest. I want blocks of ice. I'm sure there are all sorts of amazing things to do with a block of ice in the summer. We could make a beer slide, for one, or an ice seat. Or...a tiny ice fort."
"Ice Fort!! We'd be the envy of every kid on the block!"
"Ice Fort Party. I'm all over that shit."
"Do it up. I'll provide the ice blocks."
"We need a truck with some salt and a spray bottle. And some vodka. No, strike that, if it's gonna be salted...tequila and some lime juice. Hmmm...lemon..."
"Wouldn't salt be dangerous for us? It'll melt our fort if we spill our drinks (which will probably happen)."
"No, no, salt will melt the smaller sections and make the other blocks stick, after they refreeze themselves."
"Oh, I see, a controlled melting."
"Wait, wait...just how big ARE these blocks?"
"Oh, I've never actually seen..."
"Humor me and guess."
"I'd have to say...about as big as a man's head?...or wait, did you want that in metric?"
"You have a hill in your backyard, yes?"
(Beat)
"...I know what you're thinking, and yes I do."
"Then this is the greatest thing to happen since zippers."
"Well, they're definitely big enough for the average ass."
"No, you get enough to make a slide."
"Ohhh, I though you wanted to use the ice blocks as sleds...but if we construct an entire slide out of them..."
"I don't think they would allow for proper sledding."
"Rigging up a system of holding would be difficult..."
"There is no holding-on in ice-sledding."
"Well, it looked fun on TV."
"Oh snap! We should have them make drinking glasses out of ice! And ice cubes in the shape of ice!"
"What!?! That's preposterous!"

At this point, for some reason, p. started talking about zippers again, and the evils of warning labels. Sadly, the rest of the conversation was lost to history, so we'll never find out just what it was about these two items that made him give up his grand plans for the Best (and only) Ice Fort the City of Brotherly Love would have ever seen.