The Life Ironic

What is it about late-night Sunday?

2006-03-12T23:54:00.000-05:00

Honestly, I seem to always get the most down during this particular hour every few weeks. Tonight's is especially bad. If time was of no consequence, I would be putting a large majority of the things I own up on eBay to just be rid of them and get me one step closer to...somewhere other than here. I just spent the weekend putting about 80% of what little anime I have left up for auction, and given enough time, I want to put (almost) all of my comics up, as well as a good portion of my CD's and older books (Stephen King, you are taking up WAY more space than your entitled to!) Christ, I just pulled 25 DVDs off of my shelves that I either bought and never watched or just really don't see why I bought them to begin with! Why the fuck did I buy Minority Report? Or Training Day?? Do these films ever come up when I ramble off a list of top films ever? NEVER! Gone.

But then a scary thought occurred to me. When all this is done, when all this crap that I see as some major obstacle to somewhere is gone....what then? What will I do? Everything of mine will have been turned back to zero - I will owe no person any sort of money. I will be completely independent and with a little something saved on the side. WTF am I gonna do with the rest of my days? I couldn't think of one good answer...and it really frightened me. I had this sort of head-clearing experience like when I try to think about death too much...it's just too much for my mind to comprehend. I have no ambition. I have no goals to speak of other than to get rid of what I consider clutter. I have no focus.

What can a person be capable of when he has no ambition or focus?

Nigga stole my bike!

2006-03-04T20:45:00.000-05:00

Enjoyed Mike Tyson's Punch Out as a kid? Then I have no doubt you'll get a good laugh out of this.
(yeah, it may have made the blog rounds already, as much of the YTMND stuff does, but the internet and I have been going through a "weekend visitation" type of relationship lately).

Also equally enjoyable is one starring Chunk. Give it a second to load all the way through - I defy you not to smile a bit! DEFY!!!

Also - what the hell Hermione?? - you're like 15!

OK - I'm done, I have to be now, I swear...I have fucking Jimmy Buffet stuck in my head now.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot!?!

2006-02-04T14:42:00.000-05:00

I created a new post last night that had a ton of links I've been hoarding over the last few weeks...all kinds of weird crap. It saved, I saw it, and even looked at it again this morning. Because they were now published, I deleted all those links from my bookmarks.
I went in just now to update the template some, and the WHOLE GORRAM POST is MIA! It was up for more than 12 hours...now it's like it doesn't even exist!! SHENANIGANS!! It's a good thing it wasn't a huge rambling post...still, though...I'm a bit sore on it. I don't post for weeks and I have to come back to this amateur nonsense...

Oh! I know what will cheer me up!

Always remember:

Yeah...pointless 80's nostalgia always makes things right by helping me forget my problems. I'll probably spend the next hour going "Man, remember how cool Jem was? Weren't the Misfits badass?", and then by tonight, it will have evolved into, "Why the fuck did I order the Jem DVD set today? That show was crappy even by 80's standards!"

Now Count Duckula on the other hand...

"This...is a very depressing song."

2006-01-28T22:38:00.000-05:00

Goddamn...how can I be this bored with the internet? Message boards...dead. My Space...really fucking annoying. There's no point in signing onto AIM anymore.

By the way...I'm pulling the plug on Stand Alone Issues - no sense letting two blogs fester on here. Update your bookmarks accordingly (you know who you are).

And always remember:

(pretty much how I'm feeling right now - this meme may be my take on that "Current Mood" crap LJ started).

Three words remind me of that girl: "Ho - Ho - Ho!"

2005-12-24T23:18:00.000-05:00

This year, I decided to forego my usual Christmas Eve movie marathon to instead read two Jingle Belle trades I picked up recently, Cool Yule and Dash Away All. Jingle Belle Kringle is the mischievous daughter of Santa and an elf, and was created by Paul Dini, one of the co-creators of the Batman/Superman Animated adventures (that's right, the guy who created Harley Quinn!). He usually writes her into all sorts of misadventures with many of independent comic's best characters, all drawn by their creators (my favorite being her appearance in a Blue Monday comic by Chynna Clugston). It's not often that a comic can generate several laugh-out-loud moments, and even rarer that a holiday comic should, but these both produced plenty (and at a PG-13 level, too).

For all of my non-gentile readers:

My grievance aired? People need to stop decorating their office doors with all their Christmas cards like they're so many trophies. We get it - a lot of companies want to kiss your ass. It business as usual...move on.
My feats of strength? I guess it'd be helping some friends move the last two days. Who knew two rooms could hold so much stuff.

Some people never got over Vietnam, or the night their band opened for Nirvana...

2005-12-19T12:22:00.000-05:00

How is it I always find myself trolling the internet on Sunday night? And how is it that, almost every Sunday night, I find something that completely sucks five hours of my life away. Tonight, it was MySpace. Damn you Floyd, and damn you Riley, for drawing me into this, for tonight I found the MySpace profile of an old high school crush. THE old high school crush! I know I shouldn't have looked her up, but COME ON! When you're new to that place, you immediately start looking up every single human you've ever known! In most cases, you're doing it to make yourself feel better, as you really want to hope they're doing worse in life than you are. Or perhaps I'm alone in that practice. Regardless, there she was, and it just blew my mind that I should find her that easily ("She should be on fucking Jupiter!"). The mind was further obliterated to find that, despite going College and going Greek, she had maintained every bit of intelligence she had - more so! She had amassed an impressive list of favorite films, she seemed more into theatre than I ever was, no where was country music referenced, and despite enjoying a good amount of partying, she wasn't one of those "PaRtY GiRlZ". She even did a post similar to my faux-"12 Steps" one, pondering all of her life's What Ifs...in essence, she was still everything I could hope for in a woman.

Damn. Like I said, I should never have looked her up, cause it just opened up a wound that had long since scarred. It's not like I can message her...not only does she not have any old H.S. friends on her list, but she was the one that got away! I always felt she just humored me, and by all means she was pretty cool about it and never showed it, but deep down, somewhere, I knew. I can tell you this, though - I won't write a poem about it this time! No sir, this isn't high school anymore.

I'll just write about it in my blog, like all the other aging hipsters...

Daylight Savings Time offends me...let's do something about that.

2005-10-29T15:30:00.000-04:00

I can't recall any year in the past that had so many goddamn people being "offended" by Halloween or Halloween-related activities. Maybe it's just that these people piss me off more and more every year, but they still seem to discover some previously innocent activity like pumpkin carving or candy corn, and turn it into something that will offend or harm their children. If you are so fucking worried about your children being exposed to the horrors of Halloween, then this next generation is going to grow up to be The Pussy Generation, and I will for one will have no part of it.
This year's list of nominees for people who want to live in an episode of "Seventh Heaven":

There's the community in Minnesota that wants a woman to remove the gag tombstones from her front yard because they have names like "I.P. Freely" and "Ben Dover". Yeah, reading joke names that were "edgy" in Mad Magazine in the '60s is going to poison our generation of children just like it did to all those Boomers. Jesus, if something as tame as this offends you, how do you honestly survive the outside world on a daily basis?? Speaking of Christ...

A couple in Florida has decided the surefire way to combat the satanists that plague the tough streets of the St. Petersburg area is to hand out plastic crosses and miniature bibles. Apparently, years ago when they used to celebrate Halloween, they were unaware of the holiday's "DARK ORIGINS!!". Yes, because Halloween is always portrayed as a wholesome, happy day. If these folks don't stop being so shocked, they may break all of their monocles. I hope to God (oh, I mean my "Dark Lord") that when they wake up on November 1st, their front lawn is covered with piles of the little novelties they plan on handing out, as pissed off children realize it wasn't a Baby Ruth and two Kit-Kats they received last night.

This one shockingly comes out of the Boston area: a school there will now be having a "Celebration of Fall" in lieu of their now cancelled Halloween festivities, because a handful of parents found the decorations offensive. Apparently you can't even SAY the word Halloween anymore without causing your children to go on a homicidal rampage in the name of Voldemort. All that these offended parents threatened to do was not have their kids go to school that day. SO WHAT!?? That's great! They won't bring the other children into their "Cone of Ignorance"! How is that any different than when the Jehovah's Witnesses in my grade school just didn't show up on certain days? Their parents didn't make a big fucking stink about cartoon ghosts - they just let them stay home and breed lizards! As one parent said disappointingly, ''All it takes is one person to be offended, and our school will ban it."

Yet, as much as these folks want to save their children, they seem to have their blinders on when it comes to many other things in the world. How else does that explain not being able to tell a real corpse from a Halloween decoration. Nobody seemed to be around to get offended by that!
Perhaps these people are on to something. Should I go around and start making a fuss about every little thing that offends my intelligence? I want to see things changed on a global scale just because I find the people behind them incredibly moronic. It'll be the first phase of the plan p. and I have about ridding the world of these people committing "intellicide". The papers will have to come up with new euphemisms just to avoid using the words "massacre" and "holocaust". And do you know who'll I start with? I'll keep it topical: people who do things like this.

I fear for Christmas.

Cubicle Diorama-rama!

2005-10-23T19:14:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when you take away the internet at work:

That's a no-longer-dead Hal Jordan, pointing and laughing at the very-much-still-dead Barry Allen and Ronnie Raymond.
No matter what the medium, Hal Jordan is always a jerk. It's the military in him. I know I did a good job depicting this because two coworkers who know nothing about comics could give me a pretty good idea of what was going on (kudos to Steve Holt for actually understanding the nuanced relationship between Hal and Barry...well, not really. He knew he was laughing, though, and that's good for Steve Holt).

Seriously, while I've had some busy afternoons (especially this week), I still have periods where things are slow. This downtime, the time I used to use to check my e-mail or eBay, I'm more often that not just...staring. I bend paperclips out of shape and then try to put them back the way they were. I read the same Fox Trot comics several times. I am fucking BORED! I'm actually surprised I didn't get in trouble for making little halos for my toys. I can see that being misconstrued as "having issues", but maybe everyone's afraid to point it out to me.

I actually made a little swing for the figures, out of ear-plugs and paperclips, but I erred on the side of judgement and took it down, as it was obvious to anyone that it took a certain amount of time and commitment to fashion it.

Skipping right to Steps Eight and Nine...(a.k.a. "The Clip Show")

2005-10-16T02:18:00.000-04:00

One thing about living (mostly) alone and FAR away from civilization is that it almost forces you to take stock of your life up to a point. In a particularly dour moment, you may step back and wonder what tragic sequence of events lead to this one specific hiccup in your life.

I have those moments a lot when I'm on the PA Turnpike, commuting to work.

Of course, I often need to associate a particular face with a specific hiccup, and I'm usually thinking about the people I've wronged in my short 25 year career of Professional Antagonist. I dwell more often than I'd care to admit on this. Not being a religious sort, I don't fall into the karma camp, so clearly, these people must have placed some sort of gypsy curse on me. In the event that there is some truth to such an outrageous claim, I present the following. Think of it as the lazy equivalent of Rob Gordon's "What-Does-It-All-Mean?" exercise from High Fidelity: I use the power of Google to knowingly place these folks' real names out there, and next time they're bored at work, they discover my attempt at penance (assuming their place of work doesn't also block Blogger...).
And before I hear it, no, I am not really going through a 12-Step program. I am not, nor have I ever been, an alcoholic, junkie, or communist (though the latter is looking more and more to be a viable life decision). I am not dying of some incurable disease (that I'm aware of), I have most definitely NOT found God, and I am also not contemplating suicide as "the ultimate penance". I just like the social experiment of listing people's names in my blog...just to see what (if anything) happens!

In no particular order, My Apologies to:

Joe Murria: for pretty much bailing on you after I found theatre.

Jessica Cicconi: Among many other things, I should have paid for that Speed Racer tee (thanks for The Who, though...)

Jill Mercadante: for breaking up with you over the phone in order to date one of the dancers. For what it's worth, she dumped me a month later.

Nicole Pressman: for being "a guy" and not "a friend"

Ryan Cunningham #2: for all the crap I gave about Shannon. And that guitar thing...which is still a mystery...

Jenn Mesce: for breaking up with you on February the 13th. Yeah, that may be the worst thing I've ever done. (though thanks for Ben Folds and, by proxy, bis)

And finally..

Mat Robinson: Nothing specific - just for having to put up with me all this time. I think I also constantly point out your failings, so BIG apology for that!

And that's about it. Anyone not mentioned on here who I was a bastard to...probably deserved it. The rest of you, try a little harder for next year.
Don't agree? Leave a comment. Or yell here.

Season 2 - Everything You Didn't Know You Wanted To See

2005-10-08T23:14:00.000-04:00

I blame work.
Really, it's simple enough to blame my absence on the inability to access Blogger at work (it was better than my current inability to access ANYTHING at work!). But I did some of my best posts LATE or EARLY, so...

I blame the Mac.
Macs seem to be for very professional and intelligent people. For example, it has now come to my attention that those fancy buttons and toggles that I took for granted on Blogger and eBay? The ones that control your font and indents and such? Yeah, they aren't over here. It's assumed that a Mac owner understands how to harness and control HTML, and at first, that scared me. No one warned me of that, and I buckled under the pressure. Eventually, I came to realize that just because your font is loud doesn't mean people are listening. So I had to get over all of that.

I blame me.
I'm just a lazy bastard. That's part of the reason why you'll notice the "Sequential Art of the Week" is gone. That pressure of HAVING to update every week was ridiculous. I spend close to 12 hours a day in some sort of work-related capacity - I can't have a scheduled blog. Plus, comics in comics' blog, Tweek in the slice of life blog.

So let's just view those few missing weeks as my summer hiatus. That theory lends itself very well to my ongoing opinion of my life as a weekly television program. I came on last year as a midseason replacement, "peaked" around late April/early May, and quietly went away for a few months.
So what's new for Season 2? What's remained constant?
The job still exists, as does a (slightly) more intensified job hunt. This lead to what I feel is a historical first: Wachovia rejected my loan application AND my job application in the same day. Surely that has to set some sort of precedent. I imagined that night some suit at Wachovia N.A., down there in North Carolina, proposing some new clause saying that both can't happen in one day ever again, a sort of double jeopardy clause. "Look, what would be less damaging to us? Giving him a job or giving him the money? " Sadly, that has yet to pan out...(though those fuckers will hire p. and Riley, but not me. That's the spirit, kick me when I'm down.)

Speaking of, my friends are still scattered throughout several states, and if you're reading this you know that, because you're one of them, and I hate you all.

I turned 25, and all that that implies.

I'm starting to run out of things to sell on eBay, and that scares me just a little.

I'm thinking of starting this new season (I swear the last time I will use that phrase!) with a bit of a clip-show. Trust me, it's more interesting than it sounds, and is not what you are thinking.

"Can't stop the signal..."

It's kinda like Ultimate Windows over here...

2005-07-14T23:25:00.000-04:00

The Debut of my new Apple iBook G4:

Me: "Here it is."
Dad: "Oh yeah, they got those at work, except theirs are black."
Me: (pretty sure they only come in white) "Are they Macs?"
Dad: "They can do all kinds of things, yeah."
Me: "Ah..."
Dad: "They might have Windows on them, too."

For the three people who check this semi-regularly...

2005-07-10T10:25:00.000-04:00

My personal computer won't let me online anymore, and I'm no longer able to access blogger.com at work (IT is taking ALL of the fun out of my work day!!), so it may be a few weeks before I have any significant new posts. I may screw around with the blog-by-email feature...we'll see.
Hopefully, when I return, it will be on a brand-new laptop.

Let's just say I Googled a lot of names at work this week.

2005-07-02T23:38:00.000-04:00

It seems I haven't had much I could devote an entire post to this past week, just a lot of little things happened (especially in retrospect). The recap, in order:

a co-worker of mine, Kathy, was due to go in for surgery for breast cancer this past Thursday, but instead was taken to the hospital last Thursday when she had complaints of dizziness and double vision. As of last Friday, it was a bad clot/infection in one of her main arteries, surgery for the cancer was out of the question, they were "trying to keep her comfortable". One week later, she was leaving the hospital and going home with a clean bill of health. As Floyd said, "Guesswork in a white coat." (and before I get angry comments, I'd like to reiterate the "in retrospect" mentioned above)

that very same night when Kathy was doped up, "staying comfortable", I go home to what I thought was a "potty party" for my four year old nephew (his quote, and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't heard it with my own ears: "Look, no hands!"). What I get instead is my sister announcing she was pregnant again, and trying to be cute about it by dressing up her youngest in a "Older Brother" shirt. Yeah, not cute. Not funny. Bad idea. You're 23 with two kids already. Stop being so damn Catholic (her quote, and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't heard it with my own ears: "We planned this one").

Floyd fell off a four foot stack of cardboard onto his ass. He said he hurt, I laughed and said it was just bruised. He paid a man in a white coat to tell him this very fact, also, that he should take Motrin. His plant hasn't had a lost-time accident in something like 20 years. If this had been the one that did them in, he'd have been run out of the state. And I would've blogged about it.

My friend Megan became the "Mrs." portion of a "Mr. & Mrs." combo on Wednesday. For the record, this marriage we're happy about.

and p....Hmm. I think he had a pimple on his hairline he couldn't quite work. He leads the tragic life now that he's depression-free.

Come to think of it, that was a fairly busy week (Pops not withstanding).

Finally, for you east-coasters, a fun tip: certain Rita's Water Ice flavors used as a mix with Bacardi 151 are amazing. Citrus Blast...not one of them. 75% alcohol wasn't saving that drink.

The Drama Fag Strikes Back

2005-06-26T09:38:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to the trailer for the Chris Columbus-helmed "Rent" on, of all places, a comic book message board. I was obsessed with this show my junior year of high school, which was the year it debuted. If you were in any theatre program that year, this was THE hot shit.

It appears Columbus has taken the original production and essentially transplanted it, main cast and all, to real life New York. He also smartly used nothing but "Seasons of Love" for the trailer, and lets that song speak for itself (remember the mess that was the trailer for "Chicago"? They basically had the entire score in that trailer). All this from the guy who gave us "Stepmom." Go fig.

I'm also happy to say that it appears they only replaced two of the OBC: Mimi (which I am thankful for) is now being played by Rosario Dawson (which I am also thankful for), and Joanne is now being played by Tracie Thoms (who I fell for when she was on that show no one watched, Wonderfalls).

The fact that by watching the trailer I can point out severlal key scenes and songs bodes very well for the film. Hell, Columbus could do the worst directing job of his career, and this film would still pull off the job just fine by virtue of the fact that he has about 85% of the OBC.

11-11-05. Save the date, folks.

FACT!: This will be the second time Chris Columbus directs Anthony Rapp. He previously directed him in Rapp's feature-film debut, "Adventures in Babysitting" (he was the best friend who was obsessed with Playboy).

To choose the vegetarian in-flight meal, turn to page 23. For the fish, turn to page 29.

2005-06-21T19:37:00.000-04:00

Arriving at the airport yesterday several hours before my return flight home, I was presented me with a situation altogether new to me.
The self check-in kiosk mentioned that I could (for a small $25 fee) jump on the next flight to Philly, which would be leaving an hour earlier.

This is probabaly the aboslute WORST thing to present me with when arriving at an airport: options. As a Professional Tweek, every possible scenario begins taking shape in my thoughts. What if the early flight crashes in West Virginia? What if my scheduled flight gets hijacked? Were there any islands between Atlanta and Philly? I was carrying comics - could I be this flight's Hurley? Was I willing to pay $25 to live longer, or rather, die sooner?
Just imagine me, staring at this kiosk screen in the busy Delta hub, muttering under my breath, contstantly second guessing myself. The next press of that touch screen could decide my fate. I'm fairly certain they were not manufactured with that task in mind.

Ultimately I decided I'd rather keep the $25. Plus, if I was going to die, I'd prefer to put it off for at least an hour, and on a flight that my family knew I was on. Clearly, I made the right decision.

I have no ending for this, so I'll just take this time to point out that I changed my Blogger name to my real name, Dan, solely for it's use on my new comics-related blog, Stand-Alone Issues. It is my hope that some day the right people may find their way to that blog, enjoy what they read there, and decide "We want this man writing for OUR site!". I would feel pretty stupid if their first e-mail to me was addressed to "Tweek".

The "Gulag Of Our Time" Tour '05

2005-06-15T10:33:00.000-04:00

I'll be flying to Atlanta later today, and among my personal effects will be one illegal copy of Microsoft Office 2003 (Professional Edition), one CD with about a dozen illegally burned albums, and one copy of the The I Hate George W. Bush Reader, paperback edition.

If I am not heard from again, make sure my story is told.

Helping commuters finish their light reading since 1940

2005-06-09T15:10:00.000-04:00

Things I did while sitting in traffic on the Turnpike yesterday morning:

wrote some checks, paid some bills

cleared out old photos on my camera phone

read two chapters of Eisner/Miller

flirted with Black Lexus, Gray Volvo, and Green Mini Cooper

listend to The Who's Live at the Isle of Wright in it's entirety

vowed to find a new job. Really. I mean it.*

Blogging has been light lately for a few reasons. My home computer won't connect to the internet despite a Good signal from the wireless network. After many futile attempts to reverse this problem over the weekend, I grew very irritable and decided to avoid all computers in my house all together for several days. I sit in front of one all day at work, so the change should do me some good. The biggest inconvenience was not being able to sell on eBay.

Meanwhile, at work, I had become unusually busy, so freetime to post became rare (especially without distractions). As such, I haven't been able to update my Sequential Art of the Week for sometime now (for those keeping score, last week would have been Zatanna #2...still deciding this week's)

It's starting to get pretty loud here again. I'll be busy in a few minutes, no doubt.

*well...after 4th of July holiday, anyway...

Ice Station Blogger

2005-05-22T06:53:00.000-04:00

The average AIM conversation is something of a shorthand version of an actual conversation, something a court stenographer would type up were she hearing two people speak on the street. As such, I often save some that I've had for future reference here (or for blackmail, whatever the situation warrants). p. and I had this following conversation two days ago, which I have edited together in such a way to form a cohesive conversation. It was funny to us then, and this morning, as I roll out of bed at 5:30, I still think it warrants a post.

(This is me, This is Pops)

"Did you hear they opened an Amish-friendly Wal-Mart in Ohio?"
" 'Amish-friendly'? What does that mean?"
"Amish-friendly...they have about a dozen hitching post, they sell ice by the block, TONS of fabric squares..."
"Are you kidding? How much is a block of ice?"
(laughing) "I have no idea. Personally, I don't see why they can't just buy a bag."
"It's for the ice chest. I want blocks of ice. I'm sure there are all sorts of amazing things to do with a block of ice in the summer. We could make a beer slide, for one, or an ice seat. Or...a tiny ice fort."
"Ice Fort!! We'd be the envy of every kid on the block!"
"Ice Fort Party. I'm all over that shit."
"Do it up. I'll provide the ice blocks."
"We need a truck with some salt and a spray bottle. And some vodka. No, strike that, if it's gonna be salted...tequila and some lime juice. Hmmm...lemon..."
"Wouldn't salt be dangerous for us? It'll melt our fort if we spill our drinks (which will probably happen)."
"No, no, salt will melt the smaller sections and make the other blocks stick, after they refreeze themselves."
"Oh, I see, a controlled melting."
"Wait, wait...just how big ARE these blocks?"
"Oh, I've never actually seen..."
"Humor me and guess."
"I'd have to say...about as big as a man's head?...or wait, did you want that in metric?"
"You have a hill in your backyard, yes?"
(Beat)
"...I know what you're thinking, and yes I do."
"Then this is the greatest thing to happen since zippers."
"Well, they're definitely big enough for the average ass."
"No, you get enough to make a slide."
"Ohhh, I though you wanted to use the ice blocks as sleds...but if we construct an entire slide out of them..."
"I don't think they would allow for proper sledding."
"Rigging up a system of holding would be difficult..."
"There is no holding-on in ice-sledding."
"Well, it looked fun on TV."
"Oh snap! We should have them make drinking glasses out of ice! And ice cubes in the shape of ice!"
"What!?! That's preposterous!"

At this point, for some reason, p. started talking about zippers again, and the evils of warning labels. Sadly, the rest of the conversation was lost to history, so we'll never find out just what it was about these two items that made him give up his grand plans for the Best (and only) Ice Fort the City of Brotherly Love would have ever seen.

Throw Away Your Bootlegs!!

2005-05-16T20:22:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure which I'm more excited about: this or that.

Man, if I wasn't playing Nintendo all those weekends at my dad's house, I was watching these shows, instead. I remember getting the idea of starting a rubber band ball because Ferguson started one (mine never got as large as his, though...I couldn't go larger than a grapefruit). And as for the Petes....well, I'm still an honorary member of The Nightcrawler Society.
God, I hope these sell well enough to prompt them to release my all-time favorite Nick show - Salute Your Shorts! Who reading this DOESN'T remember that theme song?? No clue? Maybe you were too busy outside playing baseball...

I wouldn't frown upon a release of Welcome Freshman, either. I never actually got to watch that as a freshman...

Did you know...that Stepehen Merritt, of The Magnetic Fields, did some music for The Adventures of Pete & Pete? It's true. Where do you think he got the inspiration for "Infinitely Late at Night"?

Zen and the Art of Tithing

2005-05-14T10:36:00.000-04:00

From a recent discussion on a message board I frequent:

Raveneing263 : "The only place I have seen a lot of critcism of BKV is at Newsarama, and the lovely folks there would bash God if he wrote a comic."

Gaambit : "Oh, I know I would...have you read his first book? Talk about preachy. Pick a point of view, too..."

valentine : "They call it decompressed storytelling now..."

Solario : "I don't know, man, I found it kind of entertaining with all the brimstone and hell fire and hookers etc. He sold out with the second one though. What's with God's sudden shift in mood from 'Because they have sinned against the Lord, their blood shall be poured out like dust, and their flesh like dung.' to all those stories about God's prissy son with all his love and peace crap? What a hippie."

Lord_Magneto : "I , too found the characterization of the main character inconsistent and overall, I found him kind of needy."

Also this week in God, a month into his new job, and already the Pope is calling out Satan. I'm just ashamed that CNN , of all places, would have a headline like that. Honestly, it's like writing "Poland to Germany: 'Bring it!'"

If you ever go back in time, don't touch anything!

2005-05-06T08:53:00.000-04:00

Three times in the last two weeks of driving to work on the PA Turnpike (the hour and a half/75 mile commute), I have avoided serious injury or even possible death by leaving my house a minute early or a minute late. Here's how:

Last week, I was about 20 - 25 seconds behind of a nine car pile-up in the left lane of traffic. I estimate 20 seconds because by the time I was driving by, most of the people were just getting out of their cars. Two smaller cars (similar in size to mine) were sandwiched up between three SUV's...

This past Monday, a type of truck that is typically used for lawn service companies was about 15 feet behind me in the center lane. In the open section of his truck, he had about twenty 8X4's, which I soon found out weren't tied down at all. I watched in slow motion through my rear-view mirror as the wind shifted the whole load to one side (they were leaning on the cab), then lifted them all into the air and distributed them across all three lanes of traffic pretty evenly. Luckily, no one was right behind the truck, or a few of these would have gone right through their windshields. Needless to say, I didn't see a single car in my rear view for sometime after that...

And now just this morning, I watched a box truck lose it's ENTIRE front driver's side wheel, as it went completely off the axle, and proceeded to skid over to the shoulder, sparks flying up as he did. How he managed to pull that off, I have no idea, and from what I could see, it appeared that both he and the tire managed to avoid hitting anyone. The tire was still intact, smoking, on the opposite shoulder as I drove by. As I was several cars behind all this as it happened, at first I just assumed he had a blow out, from all the smoke I saw. Then I saw the tire come flying across all three lanes. Hell, I don't even know how I managed to not rear-end someone during all this, or how no one else did. Perhaps with it happening near an off-ramp, everyone was driving slower than usual...

Now, I'm not a religious man, and I'm not particularly superstitious, but I'll be DAMNED if I can't view these events as some sort of sign that I should be giving two weeks notice at my job today. I had planned on doing this anyway, and pretty much sold myself on the idea on Tuesday. Now, barring some unforseen plant explosion or other major disaster (see my very first blog post here for an example of what can go wrong at a plastic bottle manufacturer), I'll be follwoing through on this plan later this afternoon.
Wish me luck.

Because calling it "Essential, Authoritative, & Indispensable" would just add to the weight.

2005-05-03T16:15:00.000-04:00

Now available for pre-order on Amazon, The Complete Calvin & Hobbes. October 5th. At last.
I own The Complete Far Side, and if that is anything to go by, we are in for a treat. I don't think I need to say that this is worth $100. This is the type of book collection you will to your grandchildren. Hell, this should become the first book they look for when they come over your house. It'll show them what a wonderful place the comics section of the newspaper used to be. They'll most likely then ask, "What's a newspaper?" to which you'll chuckle in a kindly old way and say, "I wish I remembered..."

Sorry.

Hopefully, that is a preliminary work-up of the cover, because it'd be ashame to limit Bill Watterson's beautiful watercolors to one small block like that.

Also, the Far Side collection weighed about 20 pounds, so lift with your legs when you get the mail this day.

DUI : Downloading Under the Influence

2005-04-28T18:26:00.000-04:00

So last weekend, as I killed the night with a few rum & cokes, tooling around on my computer, iTunes playing in the backround, I decided I just HAD to have an mp3 of Europe's "Final Countdown" (for those Arrested Development fans reading, thats essentially GOB's theme music). I Googled it, and came up with some hits pretty fast. I was amazed how easy it was to find this song without the aid of a p2p network. Was it because it was an obscure 80's band that no one should rightfully care about? Has the song been so lambasted it's considered public domain?
Regardless, it was mine to have. Unfortunately, my trusty pop-up blocker was working full time against my drunken mouse clicking. My goal was in site, but the Hotmail toolbar wouldn't have it! So, I deactivated it - surely I knew what was good for my computer and what wasn't (I also knew that dogs couldn't look up, so who's to say what judgement levels were like at the time).

Bam. It was mine. I immediately listened to it several times. I think I may have even acted out one of GOB's magic acts during the third play through (I was wearing my swank white button-down...) . Sure, I may have had to install some sort of program or such to download it, but it was mine, and I couldn't wait to go driving around with it. That program seemed legit enough (bum, bum, BUMMMMMM!)
The next day, I started noticing the numerous pop-unders. Numerous. I'm fairly sure they were keyword related, as well, because I was looking up a book I heard about on NPR about a Viagra salesman, and I'll be damned if I wasn't getting pharmacueitical ads (granted, it could've been a coincidence, but similar ads popped up for other keywords). Hell, I followed a link to eBay (a legitimate link) and my damn computer nearly exploded from all the opening windows. So, after running every program at my disposal (EVERYTHING Norton Systemworks 2005 has to offer plus AdAware and X-Cleaner) I still have them. Not as many, but enough that they bug me. Everytime I run my programs, they pinpoint two specific .exe files that are the cause of this problem, to their exact location, but I can neither delete them or quarantine them, because it is constantly telling my computer they are being used.

So, obviously, this a cry for help. Has ANYONE out there run into anything similar, and if so, have you found a way to end it forever, or have you just learned to "live" with the pop-under meance?

I fold.

2005-04-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

Gambit and Rogue's respective solo series will both be ending in June, each with issue #12.
I had a huge post about this (two actually), which mostly directed anger at Marvel, Wolverine, and even Brian Michael Bendis a bit, but Blogger lost them both. Yeah, thanks jerks, I really needed that.

The fight's out of me at this point. Fuck it. Thanks anyway, John Layman. I liked what you brought.
I'm going to have a fun year at DC Comics...

In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward-mobile.

2005-04-11T23:10:00.000-04:00

Well, at work I thought it'd be fun to make a post about Bush's iPod selection. What a hoot, right? He can supposedly work his computer! But then I get home and realize that, apparantly, everyone has gotten sick of talking about the Pope, as every blog of note had a piece about the First iPod (once Best Week Ever blogs it, it's dead).

So, I figured I could follow up on some reading I did this weekend. After Hunter Thompson's death, I decided to go and re-read The Great Shark Hunt. It was fun going until I got to Part II, which covers Nixon's run for election all the way through his pardon by Ford. When I originally read this book, it was during the Clinton administration, and reading for the first time in some great detail what Nixon had done was (in perspective to what Clinton was guilty of) quite the disillusioning experience, especially considering how he won in what was the biggest landslide victory ever at that time. How could the public be so easily duped by a man who practically gave off this "registered sex offender" vibe, even before his criminal acts were made known. Was there some charisma there that was apparantly lacking when he ran against Kennedy? (yeah, horrible comparison, I know). Surely, the public would gain some sort of "fool me once" mentality, learn from it's mistakes, and take care when electing the leader of the free world.

This was my juvenile train of thought in the latter part of the nineties, a time when GWB was still known only as "George Bush Jr." in my corner.

I digress. This time, I just wasn't tearing through Part II. It seemed outdated and almost archaic at this point, reading Thompson's railings against his greatest enemy, and all for what? A burglarly? Because he liked to keep tapes for posterity? (yeah, I'm glazing over a lot of shit...editing history is fun). I was just having a hard time, at 24, taking all of Nixon's personal defects as if they were the greatest affront to the American public. How fucking jaded I had become after these last five years...God, at least Nixon actually worked his ass off to become President. You've got to admire that on some small level. No one expected him to come back after the '60 campaign, and especially after his bid for governor of CA... we weren't supposed to have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore! Hell, he even had an exit strategy planned ("Ford, I'll let you take Agnew's place and become president...but only on the condition that I may call in this one favor whenever I see fit...")

So, the point I'm trying to get to after this spiraling post is, given what you know now, ignoring party lines, and if time & death didn't factor in to the equation, who would you vote for: George W. Bush or Richard Milhous Nixon?
(and yes, they are your only two options. People are holding guns to your head - it has literally become "vote or die")

Modern Moments in Drunken Bar Bets

2005-04-09T12:36:00.000-04:00

It already looks like it's going to be a looooong season for the Phillies (lucky me, with the season pass and all), but it appears someone is trying to recoup the cost of his season tickets. Hit this quick before eBay pulls it down.

UPDATE: Dang...it's been taken down. It was a listing for the sale of Ed Wade, the General Manager of the Phillies. The guy filled the listing with his ramblings of how Wade is ruining the team, etc. Probabaly not a coincidence this was listed sometime overnight.

Cells that go back in time (and the Saiyans who love them)

2005-04-08T13:28:00.000-04:00

Read this article.

Now, this is strictly for the geeks and such who read this: what is the first thing you thought of when reading this? Seriously, this can serve as a sort of litmus test for "What type of geek are you?" See, p. sent it to me assuming I would automatically share in his thought that it was like The Lizard from Spider-Man come to life in modern science. Even being a Spider-Man fan, I never even thought of this once. All I could see was Dragon Ball Z. I mean, they use the words "Cell" "time travel" and "original form" in almost the same sentence...how could I help but think of the perfect android? Quite frankly, I don't know how a writer for a science magazine could not have at least a little geek in them to want to make at least an oblique reference. Perhaps the fact they constantly refer to this cellular dedifferentiation as "time-travel" was her own little nod to the Cell Saga. Can you imagine the e-mails she must be getting from the REALLY hardcore fans who were googling "cell time travel".....I think I want to add to that list. I need to know if it was intentional.

Someone just won himself a Cadillac

2005-04-02T17:42:00.000-05:00

As I look back on this past week, and the complete randomness of some of the "name" people that have died, I can't help but to start thinking a few seemed to be a bit of a rush job. I began imagining Death as some down on his luck detective, or maybe even Shelley Levene from Glengarry Glen Ross:

I see him sitting at his desk, piles of manilla folders stacked on every perceivable flat surface. A small name placard his wife bought him - "Ira Death - Workaholic" - is barely clinging to the lip of the desk. Perhaps a styrofoam cup, with a few drips of coffee left in it, is sitting next to the photo of his wife, two kids and 10 years earlier. And of course, a red Swingline.

See, Death hasn't had a big "get" for weeks, and his boss is starting to come down on him - hard! "Death!!!", his boss yells, bursting around the cubicle wall.
"I've told you, sir, the name is Ira...", Death begins, meekly.
"Your name is gonna be worth jack and shit if you don't start showing results, Death! I'm getting tired of having to explain your poor showings to the Chief. He thinks we don't need you dragging our name and reputation down with you! You've been coasting on your laurels ever since you got that Duke fellow to off himself, like that was even a CHALLENGE!! The man's been on a constant peyote trip since the Nixon administration! Hell, the man had as many enemies as he did admirers!! I don't know how you even managed to get the closer's parking space for that one. Some showing!"

Death's boss picks up a casefile from the top of the pile nearest to him. It's corners are dog-eared, as if it's been thumbed through more than a housewife's copy of The DaVinci Code. "What's this? You're still dragging your heels on this Schiavo case?? This should have been filed away 15 years ago!! It was open and shut!"
Ira nervously reaches for his coffee, suddenly struck with cotton-mouth and desperate for something to focus on other than the noise. "PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN! Coffee is for closers!", his boss bellows. "I want to see this name up on the "Close" board by Friday afternoon, or you'll be schlumping home to that cow you call a wife as an unemployed loser!" He turns to leave, but stops himself. "Oh yeah, don't forget; we can only pull these things in threes, so you goddamn better well have two other deadbeats in these piles who are as open and shut as that Schiavo mark was supposed to be!! Here, let me help you...". The Boss of Ira wipes off a corner of the desk, knocking several casefiles to the floor in the process. Grabbing the first two he sees, he says, "THESE will complete your trifecta. Let's see, we've got...a purveyor of chicken and....a comedian?!?! Shit, even a complete fucktard like you couldn't screw this one up! The guy's in show business AND a pothead, for chrissake!"

Death starts to open his mouth, but before a word can pass, his boss leans in with the swiftness of a mongoose. "You listen to me, you goddamn little pissant. You know what it takes to succeed in this field? It takes goddamn brass balls. You've barely got enough going right now to scrape together two marbles. Remember. What. I've TAUGHT you. 'A-B-C : Always - Be - Culling'. It's that fucking simple!" At this proximity, The Boss notices a monster of a casefile sitting underneath Ira's desk, just out of sight. Reaching for it, he asks, "What the crap is this? The Pope Leads? The goddamn Pope Leads??? You don't get these! We've had our best closers working on these since '81!! To you, these are gold, but you don't get these because giving them to you would be throwing them away!! You're not here to fuck us up, you fairy. You company man!"

Little does his boss know that Ira has already made photocopies of the entire Pope file.

Low Inspiration + Low Readership = THE LIST POST *

2005-03-24T09:26:00.000-05:00

I'm off to the ATL area for the weekend (though Floyd is quick to point out ATHENS not ATLANTA) so I leave you with what will be occupying much of my plane trip (aside from Essential Fantastic Four Volume 1) - my current Top Ten most played songs according to iTunes.

1. "Fett's Vette" - mc Chris: My rap and hip-hop preferences come and go, and it's certainly not my favorite musical genre, but mc Chris combines the best of my geek obsessions in many of his songs, most of all with this selection, a pseudo-gangsta rap song inspired by Star Wars' most bad ass bounty hunter.

2. "Pulp Song" - Stellastarr*: If I accomplish nothing else with this post, I hope it is to make you track down Stellastarr*'s self-titled debut CD. They're one of my top-five favorite bands, first discovered them last year opening for The Raveonettes (and their bassist is HOT!).

3. "In Between Days" - Ben Folds: The song that forced me to rethink my previous stance on The Cure.

4. "Judy is a Punk" - The Ramones: For when I really need to drive fast on the turnpike. Plus bonus points for making me think of The Royal Tenenbaums.

5. "Brand New Colony" - Postal Service: Maybe it's the 8-bit inspired beginning, but this has always been my favorite song from the album. It makes me think of Bubble Bobble.

6. "My Coco" - Stellastarr*: Also happens to be my current ringtone. (Buy their CD!!!)

7. "Why Does The Sun Shine? (The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas)" - They Might Be Giants: This song ALWAYS gets me singing to the most of my abilities - it's too damn fun. One day I'm going to make a playlist titled "Everything I Needed To Know In Life I Learned From TMBG"

8. "How It Should Be (Sha Sha)" - Ben Kweller: To be fair, the shortest song on my Top Ten, so it wasn't hard for it to rank, but it probabaly would still were it double the length. Rememeber when I said my life is a televison show? This could easily be the opening theme to "The Life Ironic".

9. "Beat City" - The Raveonettes: They sum it up best when they say "This is whiplash Rock 'n Roll." When you listen to their songs, you DO imagine them going nuts on stage. Quite the opposite is true - the two lead singers pretty much stand stock still, in COMPLETE contrast to most of their songs. PLUS, another hot bassist!

10. "Back Where I Began" - Cordalene: I'm fairly sure these are some local Philly guys, I know I've seen them open for several groups. I get a smile on my face everytime this plays whenever I get close to work.

Feel free to post some of yours - I'm always looking for new bands to check out.

* (see also "VH1 Programming - 2002 to present")

Show me on the action figure where he touched you...

2005-03-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

I've always been curious as to why Bruce Wayne was so eager to ever have a young ward...

While all the other Leaguers are thinking of their wives or fiances, Bruce is thinking of Dick Grayson (no, no - too easy)

More damning evidence...

I'm a little freaked out by the knowing glance between Robin and that bald kid. Something tells me Tim Drake has roamed these alleys in his civvies.

But of course, being the master detective, Bruce has often found ways of coming up with a "beard"...which of course involves the ward du jour...

(post script: lazy update = juvenile humor)

Sweet Zombie Jesus!!!

2005-03-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

It's as if every synapse in my brain fired at once, then was suddenly silenced....my brain is about to fry from running on overload right now thanks to a few links p. sent me this evening. Thoughts were coming at such an alarmingly fast rate , I couldn't type it all in an AIM window effectively. Where the hell do I even start this...

Sit down. Put on Bright Eyes "Let's Not Shit Ourselves". It'll help set the mood. Trust me.

Blogs For Bush: On NPR today, they were discussing how obsolete and almost novel the President's weekly radio addresses have become. The commentator joked that maybe a presidential blog should be next? Well, like much of his first term (and his entire business career) someone was luckily doing the thinking for Bush and made one up already. This is where most of my humor and headaches came from this evening. It's as if they took every topic that could either piss me off or trouble me, and located them conviently in one space! I'm fairly certain this site will be fertile ground for me to pull topics from, so in the meantime, let me regale you with a cross-section of some of their wonderful headlines.

"The ACLU's Continuing War Against Religion"
"Saddam Tried To Bribe Weapons Inspectors"
"We Are Winning The War On Terror"
"Gloves To Come Off On Social Security Debate?"

But my favorite of their front-page subjects begs the questions "How Right Does He Have to Be?". What follows is the first paragraph:

"With democracy sprouting up across the Arab/Moslem world and the US economy entering boom times, it is time to ask this question: How right does President Bush have to be before his critics take a breath and rethink their views?"

At least once, would be a start....

More to come, I'm sure...these are just first impressions. I really need time to sort through to some of the juicier articles - it shouldn't be too hard to narrow down : they seem to enjoy throwing around the term "American Insurgency" when referring to Democrats and the Liberal Left. Be sure to give the comments people leave on there a tumble, too. Personally, I don't know how every post doesn't break out into a flame war, but wow...some of those cats are seriously Darwin candidates ("That's an interesting point, Piyush Dhoot. Especially since there is a higher rate of molestation in adopted children of homosexual couples than of heterosexual couples." Wha-wha-WHAAAT???)

"Wow. So that's what it feels like to get punched in the face."

2005-03-10T12:04:00.000-05:00

THE SCENE: My office cubicle, specifically, a space about 7 ft away by the printer.
THE CAST: JOSETTA, our QA manager; ANGELA, accounts payable; and TWEEK*, in his cube, off stage and silent.
THE SETUP: JOSETTA has just received final product samples of a new Dove Hairspray, a product we make the bottles for. Apparently, when the words “Dove” and “Hairspray” are used in context to each other, the product can only be applicable to a female demographic. JOSETTA is proceeding to hand out the samples to all the women of the office and, having run out of women, begins pondering handing it out to the men. She discusses such prospects with ANGELA, in a tone not quite hushed enough so as to have TWEEK not hear.

Josetta: “Does Chris have a girlfriend?”
Angela: “Yes, he does. She’s on his mousepad.”
Josetta: “Oh, right. I’ll give him a bottle for her. Who else….what about…uhmm…whathisname…”
Angela: “Tweek?”
Josetta: “Yeah , Tweek. What about him?”
Angela: “No. I’m pretty sure no. There’s his mom, though…”
Josetta: “Oh, he lives with mom? Ok, I’ll give him one for her…”

SCENE.

*some names have been changed to protect the pathetic.
And by “some”, we mean one.
And by “pathetic”, we mean Tweek.

Why yes, I do have a Swingline. Why do you ask?

2005-03-08T10:09:00.000-05:00

For years I've had these delusions that the best way to describe my life, or more accurately, to think of my life, is to view it as a television drama or comedy. Seriously, every year is like a new season, and there are cast changes practically every year. Some cats are fired, written out, others get their own spin-offs if they move away, GUEST STARS...you get the idea. "Truman Show" stuff. That's why I dig when there's a major shift in the status quo, so the audience isn't quite so bored. Pretty sad, right? Well, I can't be held responsible for thinking this when every single person in this office lives their lives to their stereotypical fullest.

Oh no, someone complaining about his cubicle life? Oh yes. Tweek needs to vent.

Have you seen those commercials where somebody brings in food or coffee or something, I don't recall, and the guy likens the people popping their heads over their cubicles to gophers popping out of their holes? Yeah, that happens here. Or the other one where the women is dreaming that she's on some fantasy resort, eating yogurt or some other safe treat a desperate housewife would eat, and then the pudgy guy from accounting pops in her dream to tell her their are donuts in the conference room? Yup, that's happened here (well, the accounting guy w/ donuts part...nobodies sharing their fantasies with me.)

Office Space? Nothing in that movie was exxagerated. Birthdays here are JUST like they are in that. Everyone has to plod along through some crap rendition of Happy Birthday while sharing a cake and standing around like we want to talk to each other. I have an intercom speaker right above my desk, blurting out every page and telephone call at such an incredible decibel level that anyone I'm actually trying to speak with over my phone is drowned out. I hear every page and announcement...all day...like that woman Peter has to listen to answering phones. I clench my jaw everytime it beeps.

My "cubemate" couldn't be more of my opposite, either. He went to Catholic school, I went to public. He played sports, I was in theatre. He likes country, I HATE country. He likes Superman, I like Batman. He says "TGIF", I say "STFU".Thank the Maker there's a wall between us.

I travel over almost an hour and a half each day for these joys and more. The list could go on...inane talks about the weather, about some celebrity gossip, GOD how can real life be such a cliché!?!?

At least I can listen to my iPod at work...one thing my TV show has going for it is a kickin' soundtrack.

Of all the days to fire my sherpa...

2005-02-27T14:31:00.000-05:00

I've got this to deal with tomorrow:

That black line I circled is my daily commute, roughly 150 miles round trip. Not bloody likely I'll be doing that tomorrow, not in six to ten inches of snow, rain, and sleet.

Sleeping is a gateway drug to being awake

2005-02-26T05:35:00.000-05:00

I decided to pass the evening enjoying a few Dragonflies with a side of cough medicine (of the prescription variety, to deal with The Two Years Cold). Indeed, alcohol MAY amplify effect of drowsiness, because I'm sure I passed out fairly early.

When I awoke, it was roughlyt five a.m. and I was nursing some severe cotton mouth. The act of getting myself water was a bit involved, as I needed to climb down out of my loft, then back upstairs to the kitchen. All right, not that involved, but climbing is harder after a night in a persistive vegetative state. So, as I am enjoying a well-earned glass of cold wasser, I notice that the light above the kitchen sink bears the mark of the Triforce on all sides, in a stained-glass design.

Particularly exciting, as I had previously beaten the latest Legend of Zelda game earlier the night before.

So, if anyone notices their skies darkening today, a moon blood red as sack-cloth, or any of that...yeah, sorry...I found the Triforce of Power. Mind the Octoroks.

Here comes the weekend...

...starring Thomas Hobbes as "The Leaf"

2005-02-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

My friend Megan and I caught the most peculiar short film the other night thru On Demand. It was a Korean claymation film that dealt with finding out what your purpose in the world is and coming to terms with it, asking yourself "Is there a God, and if so, why did he make me, me?"

It was also about poo.

Doggy Poo tells the story of young Doggy Poo, the "worst kind of poo there is" according to a pile of "soil" on the side of the road. I say it with quotes because, despite the fact that the film insists on referring to him as soil, you can't hide the fact that he fell off the back of an ox cart full of manure. Hell, the guy has a peanut sticking out of his chin! Why the producers had a problem with this, but making the childlike lead a piece of dog crap is beyond me. But I digress...

Doggy Poo has the emotional tempermant of a Lifetime Movie, and cries every few minutes about the slightest events (not the best character trait when he gets so damn attached to every fleeting thing that comes along.) He first meets "The Soil" who basically tells him how much he sucks, that he is a piece of shit (literally) but then feels bad, apologizes, and begins to bemoan his OWN fate, saying how once the ox cart comes back, he'll be run over and die. Particularly moving is how The Soil recalls how he once wished death on the pepper plants living above him, who then subsequently die (damn you, The Soil!!). The Soil is pratically wishing for his end, yet when the cart comes back, the farmer somehow recognizes The Soil, saying "This soil looks like it came from my farm. It must have fallen off the back of my cart!" (exact quote). He then proceeds to pick up the manure from the side of the road with his BARE HANDS and puts it back on the cart. The Soil/Manure thing can't understand how he's not dead, and moves on, to hell with Doggy Poo (it should be noted at this point that The Soil had the voice of an old southern black man, and spoke in such a slow drawl, he quickly became my favorite character...and the most quotable.)

Well, shit. I was hooked at this point. This was too unintentionally funny not to finish.

As the rest of the film proceeds, Doggy Poo meets a leaf that's almost dead, blowing along in the late fall. Poo remembers The Soil (honest to God, they flashback to scenes we saw about six minutes earlier, and show them in B&W for added effect. CLASSIC!). The wind picks up, and The Poo and The Leaf re-enact the end of Titanic by yelling "Don't leave me!" (unintentional puns galore , too)...and the Poo cries some more. Winter comes and goes, and we then learn that the most insulting thing you can call a chicken is a "walking bird". Apparantly, the Doggy Poo isn't even good enough for the chicken and her chicks to eat (even after the Poo all but says "Eat me!").

Eventually, Doggy Poo learns that his destiny, his role, the reason God himself put him on Earth (seriously, they said it was God's will) was to make crazy whoopee with a dandelion weed to make a beautiful dandelion "flower" (it's a weed, goddamnit!). The last time we see Doggy Poo, it's raining and he's in the sweet embrace of Dandelion, a scene that would be repeated in many John Cusack films.

I really cannot effectively convey just how funny this film was. A child does the voices of Doggy Poo, it had the most serious composed score and soundtrack, a song over the credits, and they even superimposed the face of The Soil over the sky at the end (having him repeat one of his lines about how God put Doggy Poo on Earth, but he still had to discover his destiny, or something equally cryptic). Not the intention of the filmmakers, I'm sure, but I'm also sure I wasn't the intended audience (probably 3 year old Korean kids who don't want to potty train).This flick probably hit the festival circuit, trying to win awards , yet all I could do was MSTie it. (C'mon, when they showed The Soil in flashback, I had to say to Megan "Hey! It's Soil! Remember him? He was the best...")

Oh yeah...it was also based on a book!

Seth MacFarlane must have photos of Rupert Murdoch AND Ron Howard...

2005-02-14T11:58:00.000-05:00

I implore the few people who read this, even those who do not watch TV, or "claim" they don't (we know you secretly do!) to at least pop their name on this petition to see that Arrested Development will be back for a third season.

Just hear me out for a moment before you click away groaning "Oi, another petition! Go read a book, kid!"

Fox has been horribly mishandling what is hands down the best comedy on TV, which I admit isn't saying much considering the current crop of comedies on TV, so I will go even further to say it's the best TV comedy to come along in years. Probably since Seinfeld. (Curb Your Enthusiasm is on HBO, so it doesn't technically count - but it's still damn funny, too!)
Ignoring the fact that the show gets pretty much rave reviews across the board, Fox hardly gives it any ad time (during the Super Bowl, I saw ONE commercial for it , AFTER the game, while "24" and "American Idol" got more than I could count!). It won the Emmy for Best Comedy Series IN IT'S FIRST YEAR! I dare you to go back and watch some of the biggest comedies of the last decade and try watching their first season eps. Seinfeld, Friends, Will & Grace, even the Simpsons all had very awkward first years until they really found the characters. This show got it done within a few episodes. This is a series that has shown that Jason Bateman can be funny, that David Cross has been seriously underappreciated since "Mr. Show", and that even Portia De Rossi can be more than just Ellen's rented arm candy (love you, Portia!). Christ, this series has even shown the best and funniest sides of Henry Winkler and freakin' Liza Minelli!! Top it off with some deadpan narration by Ron Howard, and you've got the best ensemble on TV.

I think part of the problem is how intelligent the writing is. I can admit it probably isn't to everyone's taste. It's like trying to expect everyone to "get" Wes Anderson's films. Some people just aren't going to appreciate how clever and witty the writing can be, or that the humor can be subtle and suggested - not just dick and fart jokes. Yet that is the kind of humor Fox is attempting to replace it with - the new cartoon American Dad, from the guy who created Family Guy. I watched the preview ep that was on after the Super Bowl - it's essentially the same show as Family Guy, just replace Stewie and Brian with an alien who sounds like Paul Lynde and a goldfish with a German accent. One joke has the dad becoming excited because he has a plan, pausing without saying a word for a few seconds, and then saying, "Oh, sorry. I thought I had to fart." Another "gag" has the alien falling off a chair at the kitchen table for apparently no reason whatsoever. And they DWELLED on it, too!
I enjoyed "Family Guy", but this show just seems to be pandering to the lowest common denominator.

That's essentially the cause of my anger, that they cut this season's episode order for Arrested Development down to 18 episodes so "American Dad" could premiere early, since it did so gosh-darn well after the Super Bowl. Well, yeah, no shit it's going to have good ratings, you gave it the biggest and best lead-in program of the whole year!!

I've signed these petitions before. It did help to get "Freaks & Geeks" (another show that sadly got the ax before it's time - Thanks NBC!) out on probably the best DVD set ever. So I'm asking you, brothers, dig deep, sign the petition, and watch Arrested Development the next few Sundays @ 8:30...and then promptly STOP watching that time slot the moment American Dad starts airing.

Somewhere, Joshua Falken is smiling down on us

2005-02-07T20:08:00.000-05:00

The real reason the French opposed the war is made clear : they've been using their technology not for evil, but for good.
Sweet, nostalgic, 3,370 square meters good.
Behold!

That's the National Library of France. With Tetris on it. Oh yeah, and you control it with your cell phone.
It doesn't stop with Tetris, either. Breakout, Pong, goddamn PAC-MAN! Could Bomberman be far behind?

I really wanted to call shenanigans at first. No way could I imagine something so wonderful existed on this planet, nor that the French would develop it. But lo, after some digging around, I'd have to say it seems pretty legit.

The cats at Pac-Manhattan have something to aim for now...

Now with more flow-chart goodness

2005-02-05T16:40:00.000-05:00

Cleverly utilizing that Hello Picasa interface and another unnamed blog, I will now have the ability to post pictures at will! I've fully harnessed the Power of The Internet™ to help me in my battle to defeat blogging atrophy, much in the same way Hot Rod utilized the Matrix of Power™ to help in his battle to defeat Unicron (and Galvatron, by proxy).

Ironicus Prime?

I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky!

2005-01-10T22:15:00.000-05:00

I wonder what it says about me as both a consumer and a geek that all three of my cars have shared names with comic book characters. It's not like that's a common occurance (I've never see a character called "The Windstar" or "Sonata", have you?)
We have:

Tempo - a B-List (at best) X-Men villain from the mid 90's who was a member of the Mutant Liberation Front. She had the ability to affect time, usually choosing to slow it down. Much like my '89 Ford Tempo before it died on I-95.

Sunfire - Probably the most well-known of the characters you'll see here, he was a member of the "All New, All Different" team of X-Men from the mid 70's (the same team that introduced Wolverine, Storm, and Nightcrawler to the X-Men world). Has since been relegated to cameo appearnces anytime a Marvel character visits Japan (usually to fight Silver Samurai.)

Vibe - We're really in the dregs now. Vibe was a member of the ill-conceived and often ill-fated Justice League : Detroit team (yes, none of that hokey Moon or roaming satellite crap for a base, they kept it real on the streets of Motown). He was some Spanish guy who had some vibration type powers...I don't really recall. All I can picture is his god-awful costume. Pure 80's cheese. This was, not surprisingly, a team that Martian Manhunter assembled and led (I think primarily so he could continue to put on his resumé that he was, indeed, on every JLA roster), and was filled with all kinds of crap characters just like Vibe. Oddly enough, Vibe and some of the other members of the Detroit team have been popping up on episodes of Justice League Unlimited, mostly in backrounds, but they're still there. I guess it's the producers way of showing that they really "know" the DCU. We get it. Just so long as guys like Vibe stay in the backround as fodder.

Maybe my next car could be an Aztek (that continues both the Pontiac AND comic book lineage). Meh, not bloddy likely. That car is ugly as sin. Hey, do they still make the Isuzu Impulse?

(I'd like to note for the record, also, that this is the third blog in a row with a Futurama reference for a headline. And that Nova was a Silver Surfer character. The fact that those two facts came together in one perfect quote will probabaly be the highlight of my day.)

The future is today! (Worry about it tomorrow)

2005-01-03T22:12:00.000-05:00

I spent all weekend watching Buffy Season 7 and Angel Season 4. I switched series after each disc ended, and just completely geeked out over the whole experience. I sorely miss these shows, and forgot how much I loved seeing these characters lives every week. Lost and The Shield are great to watch, but they just aren't filling the holes these two shows left in their wake, IMO.
Anyway, accomplishing this feat naturally meant I spent the entire weekend indoors, eating crap food, drinking more soda than I have in months, and staying up to probably 3 AM each night (I actually woke up at 7:30 New Year's morn, made some coffee and waffles, and continued on without missing a beat) I'm fairly sure I pissed some people off (both friends and family) by staying in by myself New year's Eve. I remember being VERY pissed with my mom and my sister, who just naturally presumed that since I made no plans, I would be spending the evening at my sister's playing her retarded games. The girl has a serious obsession with playing board games, the likes of which hasn't been seen since the yuppies invented Trivial Pursuit in the 80's. Anyway, it's like she didn't realize that by having a family and moving to fucking Lancaster, she would be cutting herself off and alientaing herself from all her shallow, trendy friends. Oops. Doesn't automatically make me your new best friend.
Family is the biggest drawback of having to live out here. I cherish my solitude, and all I can get accomplsihed with it. They always want to do....stuff. That's what it is. Just stuff. I overheard my dad and grandmother talking about how all I do when I come home is just lock myself up in the basement. That's because if I have to listen to my family prattle on for more than a few minutes, I want to pull my hair out. I have very little tolerance for situations or events that bore me. I know, it makes me no different than any human, but I just flat out can't tolerate it. That's why I never go over my blasted sister's house. After an hour, any novelty has worn off, and I leave. It's why I always drive myself over.
Now they want to know about what my plans are for summer vacation. They want to spend a week in the Outer Banks and another week in Wildwood. I just want to hang out here and decide day-to-day what I'll be doing. Go on vacation with them, and everything is part of an agenda. No thanks.

Chanukah Zombie and Kwaanza-Bot wouldn't put up with this...

2004-12-23T08:54:00.000-05:00

Now I understand what my friend Floyd was harping on about.

I came into work today, and received a flurry of gifts from no less than four co-workers (and a few more cards in my mailbox). I didn't get anyone a gift (except for my designated Secret Santa recipient) and sent out ZERO cards. I can't be bothered with cards, no matter what time of the year, and I can't afford to give everyone here a damn gift. They did this on my birthday, too. I appreciate the gesture, sure, but I seriously hope they aren't expecting any reciprocation.

Then, is it even worse that I don't feel bad about not getting them gifts? Or that I never even considered it an option? Should it be assumed that we have to exchange gifts? Isn't saying "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" enough? I'm just not wired that way. People view that as selfish, self-centered, & cheap. I think of it as having priorities: myself. I spend too much time worrying about my life and it's complications. Christ, if I had to keep pausing to fret over people's hurt feelings over a stupid gift, I wouldn't get anything done! I'd barely be able to leave the house!

Maybe I'm just blowing things out of proportion, making something out of nothing. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. Whatever. In a week, it will be inconsequential. In a week, the big social faux pas du jour (wow) will be "Why wasn't I invited to his/her New Year's Party???" Piss off and stop being so goddamn self-conscious!!!

Merry X-Mas, kids!!

Steinbeck Slept Here

2004-12-13T10:51:00.000-05:00

As I get closer and closer to 25, it seems to become more apparent that the only way out of my misery is to win the Powerball lotto. I wouldn't go the obvious route with my winnings, buying my mama a new house and getting all my boys new Caddy Escalades like every new rapper on MTV Cribs. Rather, after paying off my credit card debts, I'd traverse the country, "Travels with Charley" style. I've got it all planned, too.
At first, I was against taking any kind of tech with me (cell phone, laptop, iPod, etc.) I wanted it be be as authentic an American experience as John Steinbeck enjoyed. Then I realized that I would slowly go insane. Plus, if this were a modern equivalent of Steinbeck's novel, I would need to contemporize. Where as he had a set of encyclopedias with him ("A set of what?"), I'd have a laptop. Where as he had a dog, I'd have my iPod. Where as he had liquor to give his coffee "authority", I'd....well, I'd be doing that, as well. You can't completely mess with a classic.
The laptop would also come in handy in a pinch when I would need a specific local map, or a list of places to see in a city (surely they have wi-fi hotspots in Iowa), and I could document my journey (remember, Steinbeck took a little typewriter with him).
I hate dogs, so I'd change my iPod's nickname from "Ziggy" to "Charley" for the trip, for a nice parallel.
So now, with the gear set, we need to look at the means of transportation. Steinbeck used a pickup-type truck with a cab on the bed. You'd think the natural modern-era equivalent of this would be an SUV, but no, I won't stoop that low. Besides, I HATE driving large cumbersome vehicles. My best option would be something more akin to my current car, a Pontiac Vibe. Fairly small, but with plenty of storage room, and I can put the back seats down and throw out a sleeping bag if I'm in a pinch.

So now, I need a destination. Or more precise, a series of destinations. I'm supposing that as of right now, I'd start by heading south, towards Atlanta, (where my friend Mat lives) then head west towards New Orleans (I've been obsessed with it since I was 12 and discovered Gambit). After trying to avoid Texas all together (and at the same time, avoiding a lynching, I'm sure) I'll pull into Las Vegas ("They're gonna give daddy the 'Rain Man' suite...") and work my way over to San Diego (home of "Three's Company" and the unofficial Scooter Capital of the U.S.). I believe it's around here where the Monterey Peninsula is (where, if memory serves, Steinbeck grew up), then it's north to San Francisco (the Greenwich Village of the West Coast!). Seattle will require a stop over (my friend Megan is from there, and she won't shutup about how much better than the Philly area it is...though they do have Nintendo). I'll then shoot east to Darwin, Minnesota (Home of the "Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota"!) , and maybe cross over up into Canada to get into upstate New York (to visit my birthplace in Rome, and see a friend from high school, Kyle, in Buffalo). Past that, I suppose I'll meander up into New England, and just work my way back to Philly.

I'm aware I skipped the middle of the country. It's like John Steinbeck himself once said: "What the fuck am I going to do in Oklahoma?"

Jesus Christ/In his car/Going so fast that the road is tar

2004-12-03T16:30:00.000-05:00

Once in awhile there are moments that make a staunch Atheist such as myself wonder if maybe there really is some greater power divining your path in life, and doing good just for you.
Case in point:

I pulled into a rest stop this morning on the way to work to strech my legs, let the cold wake me up, and have a cigarette. As I'm coming out of the restroom and lighting my cigarette, I see two tour buses pull up. Out of both come streams of college-aged female athletes, from many different areas of sports, judging by their jackets and sweatshirts. And here I am, just starting my cigarette, thinking I'll have nothing to occupy my time. Thank the Maker...

Yeah, well, it's not like I'm going to do anything, so I just stand there doing my "Cool Mysterious Guy w/Cigarette" pose...
And of course then all the male athletes that were apparantly at the back of the buses start walking inside, and I silently curse to myself. The kind of guys who like wearing shorts in the winter - to borrow a phrase from my friend P. "drunkard business majors with nothing interesting to say".

So, false alarm. God's not in his heaven, all's right with the world.

Trees are falling, hands are clapping

2004-12-02T20:17:00.000-05:00

When you're smoking outside on a cold day, how do you know when the smoke stops and your breath begins?

Day late, $2.95 short....

2004-12-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

One of the things I was heard saying on November 3rd:

"I'm going to go lose myself in DC Comics...where Superman's childhood friend Pete Ross is President...after Pres. Luthor went insane....things make more sense there..."

Speaking of elections, too bad the Ukranian one happened after ours. We blue states could've taken a few cues from them...blocking government buildings, calling for, no, DEMANDING a new election, threatening autonomy....alas, the rebellious fires in our collective bellies was extinguished fairly quick.

"Butter for your roll?" "No thanks, I'll be using the seven-point spread..."

2004-11-28T20:15:00.000-05:00

If I never get married, it's not my fault.

Oh, I'm sure I'll have some small part in it, but I won't accept the blame if I ever find myself in a relationship where that becomes (to everyone else) the only logical conclusion. Marriage doesn't need to be the only goal of a relationship. It doesn't need to be the ULTIMATE goal. Society impresses upon us that any couple (I'm sorry, any "male/female" couple...this is society we're talking about, not normal, intelligent, free-thinking human beings) who has been together for some time, or even has a kid or two together, and doesn't get married is either a) - comprised of heathens who will burn for their sins or b) - miserable and doomed to heartache and despair. No one ever checks option c) - happy, in love, and content in knowing this with their partner. Why does this couple need some ceremony that costs money and takes time out of everyone's schedule to confirm that yes, indeed, they are in love and plan on staying that way. Hell, the "staying that way" is what makes the marriage the worst part. If you're dating for seven years, and then decide that maybe this isn't the person who you are supposed to be with, you are simply "breaking up". or "seeing other people". If it is your husband or wife, then you're "divorcing"....and all that that implies. Ugly business, that.

My life thus far has not been filled with an exemplary marriages. If you want to take it in chronological order, my great-grandfather left my great-grandmother with their children. My parents divorced when I was two, introducing me to the phrase "visitation rights", which I would become familiar with for the next 12 years. My aunt and uncle divorced when their children were around 7 or 8...an ugly custody battle ensued which, for awhile, resulted in my one cousin living in Florida and her sister living in Pennsylvania.
This doesn't even take into consideration the marriages of close friends. The point is, I couldn't help but wondering that if these people , who obviously weren't meant to be together, hadn't felt compelled to be married and live a "traditional" life, they would not have had to deal with the trials and tribulations that come with divorce. I'm sure there were little nagging thoughts in the backs of all their heads at some point that said to them "It's inevitable...", but was ignored in order to do the "right thing". Instead, they all went for the first "real" and somewhat lengthy relationship since high school, and stuck with it. Many of these people moved on to find other husbands and wives, and at this point are still with them. They were there, just needed looking for.
So, why the diatribe?

My sister threw her husband out. Thanksgiving night, after we ate dinner, while the rest of us were in the house. It was quiet, so none of us heard, none of us knew. Not outright. Something didn't feel right to me in that house the minute I set foot in there and said hello to my sister. The kids were in a mood, the husband was quieter than usual. Hence, I hid in the basement, watching TV. Apparently, my brother-in-law has a bit of a gambling problem, and they now have less in their bank account than I do. I'm one person, barely surviving on what I have, and he's supporting a fucking family of four.

"It's inevitable..."

"George W. Bush: All Hat, No Cattle"

2004-11-23T17:29:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what this means. It was on a sticker in the back of a Dodge Ram. Are we to infer that "cattle" is synonymous with "brains"? "Balls"? Then what does the hat replace? Is it like saying he's a cowboy with no herd? Or maybe a shepard with no flock? Seems he'd appreciate THAT analogy a bit more...
The fact that it was in the back of a Dodge Ram with Massachusetts plates and what appeared to be LITERAL brass balls hanging off the bumper further confuses me. I had no idea there were rednecks in Mass., and that they were voting Democrat. Unless I read into that sticker wrong. Hats are, after all, important to rednecks. So are cattle. See my dilemma? And I had an hour on the turnpike alone to contemplate this.
Discuss, then pass your answers to the front.

Ancient Chinese secret, eh?

2004-11-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

There was a "chemical spill/leak" at the place I work at yesterday. Pretty big stuff, all over our local news. Well, not ALL over...I didn't see it at 5. Or 6. We were the top story on the noon news!! On one station. Who happened to have a reporter there. Yeah, well, it was big for me, I only worked two hours!
And who invited UPN???

I was one of the last people to speak with the delivery man before he caused the spill. In retrospect, probably not the best idea to go back into work in the minutes before the accident bragging about how that was "the best $50 investment I ever made!" People draw their own conclusions. Fingers are pointed. Someone talked!

So , with the holiday upon us, I wish you all your very own enviromental disaster, to help extend your vacation weekend to a sexy seven days. Be sure to bring your keys.

In unrealted news, I now have the uncanny ability to exude chlorine from all my pores, thus keeping my whites looking brand new. My friend can do the same, except with him, it's hydrochloric acid. Surprisingly, his clothes look just as clean.